#1288: Substitutions

Substitutions that make reading the news more fun: Witnesses → these dudes I know Allegedly → kinda probably New study → Tumblr post Rebuild → avenge Space → Spaaace Google Glass → Virtual Boy Smartphone → Pokédex Electric → atomic Senator → elf-lord Car → cat Election → eating contest Congressional leaders → river spirits Homeland Security → Homestar Runner Could not be reached for comment → is guilty and everyone knows it